Excel Saga: The Internet Strikes Back
by Mercuria
Summary: Excel and Hyatt are given a new mission. Wait! What's with the dark gloomy atmosphere?! Could it have to do with the dreaded vampire Lacquer?


Mercuria: There need to be more Excel Saga fanfics. I, having only seen the first five episodes, will be creating more episodes based on my limited knowledge of anime. Which means that you're in trouble.  
Disclaimer: Do I own Excel Saga? I think not.  
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I, Koshi Rikdo, hereby give my permission to turn "Excel Saga" into a vampire anime. And I also promise not to criticize or complain, even in the event that my throat is bitten.  
-KOSHI RIKDO  
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ACROSS' underground lair was looking oddly gothic and dark that day, especially considering that it was the workplace of Excel.  
"HAIL ILPALAZZO-SAMA!" she shouted. Ilpalazzo winced.  
"Hail, Ilpalazzo-sama," said Hyatt in a quieter tone.  
"Good morning, Hyatt," Ilpalazzo replied with a smile. Excel fumed.  
"ILPALAZZO-SAMA!" Excel cried. "Is there something wrong with me, that you choose not to acknowledge my existence?! Is there some way that I could be of greater service to you?! Some use you could make of my small brain and terribly limited abilities?! Some-"  
"Your mission today is very serious indeed," Ilpalazzo told Hyatt as Excel babbled on.   
"Serious? How so?" asked Hyatt.  
"It has come to my attention that there is yet another obstacle along the path to global domination (starting with the City of F, Prefecture F)."  
Hyatt collapsed, though whether this was from shock or anemia none can say.  
"W-what is it?" she asked, feebly struggling to her feet.  
Ilpalazzo looked around warily. Seeing only Hyatt and a still-rambling Excel, he continued.  
"Fanfiction writers," he whispered.  
Hyatt gasped. Excel, who had finally stopped jabbering, looked at them both curiously.  
"Permission to interrupt, Ilpalazzo-sama!" she shouted.  
"Denied."  
"Thank you, Ilpalazzo-sama! May I point out that the Excel Saga fandom is very small, being comprised of only ten fanfics!"  
"That may be the most intelligent thing you've ever said, Excel," Ilpalazzo said, sounding impressed. "I should give you a raise."  
Excel grinned at the praise.  
"With all due respect, Ilpalazzo-sama, you don't pay me!"  
Ilpalazzo nodded.  
"True," he said, "but be that as it may, the mission is of greater importance. While it is true that the Excel Saga fandom only has ten stories to date, our intelligence informs us that another one is being written as we speak."  
Hyatt and Excel looked grim. Well, Excel didn't actually look grim at all. Her face was twisted in a way that strongly resembled her "weird-hiding-hunger" face. Ilpalazzo blinked.  
"Anyway, here is your mission: find these fanfic writers and their minions called Mary Sues. Once you do, dispose of them."  
"HAIL, ILPALAZZO-SAMA!"  
********  
Watanabe glared at his coworkers.   
"I can't BELIEVE you followed me to work," he growled.  
Iwata grinned.  
"We work at the same job, remember?" he said.  
Sumiyoshi nodded in agreement, his floating kanji hitting Watanabe in the head. [Yeah. Remember?]   
Watanabe sighed. "That's NOT what I meant."  
His eyes took on a glazed starry look.  
"I hope Ayasumi-san will be here today!" he said fervently. "Her sweet smile makes my day!"  
"Very good, romantic comedy boy," Iwata said sarcastically, still managing to grin impishly as he did so. Watanabe scowled.  
********  
As Watanabe was expressing his desire for "Ayasumi-san" to be near him, Hyatt and Excel were busily surfing the internet on Ilpalazzo's computer.  
"Ah, here it is!" Excel said. "The fanfiction website! Home to the evil fanfiction writers whose irreverent excuses for literature have caused Ilpalazzo-sama to desire their extinction! And since it is my sworn duty to make realities Ilpalazzo-sama's every desire, I shall be the one to extinguish them, in the hopes that by doing so, Ilpalazzo-sama's desires will one day include me!"  
Excel grinned. Hyatt clapped politely.  
"Ah, here it is," Hyatt said. "The writer of this fanfic. One Mercuria Stardust, also known as the vampire Lacquer."  
"Yes!" Excel cried, jumping up out of her chair and brandishing a stake. "SHE is the evil one who has caused Ilpalazzo-sama such displeasure! And as it is my solemn obligation to give Ilpalazzo-sama pleasure in any way I can, I must destroy the source of his woe- this fanfic! Let's find this vampire writer and get rid of her ... for the glory of Ilpalazzo-sama!"   
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Today's mission ... um, not sure ... failed?  
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Mercuria: Well, it is rather short, and I know there are oodles of things I should be working on instead of this, but here it is. Expect another chapter (whether you like it or not) in about a month.  
BTW, I really AM the vampire Lacquer.  
Click:  
http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=Lacquer 


End file.
